The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Can’t, holding a grudge
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
can I use a minion as a tampon
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.