Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
life finds a way
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
subtitles are so good nowadays
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”