– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
saw this in a dream
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.