3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Our lord and savoury.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.