Can’t, holding a grudge
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Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
house sitting!
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
man: wait
time: no
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed