Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Something Saturday.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.