Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
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If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.