You wish you had this many chins.
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Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music