Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.