The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
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The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.