I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Taliband
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
This is true.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good