*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
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I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase