CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
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Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.