I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
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*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?