At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
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Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂