A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I’m about to risk it all
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.