luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Me checking my bank balance online.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
can’t believe I got front row seats
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style