I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
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I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG