We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
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For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
My life coach traded me.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.