Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
⛄️
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink