If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You Might Also Like
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?