Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
constantly working on myself.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash