I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…