“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.