I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
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If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
black phone good
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.