Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok