I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
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dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
🐕🍷
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.