[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
You Might Also Like
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband