I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
How dramatic are you?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.