One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
my favorite genre of twitter
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.