The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
You Might Also Like
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Kids, do not try this at home!
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
mood
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.