Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
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When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
How all things should be taught/explained.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.