wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please