Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
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I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor