Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
You Might Also Like
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do