The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
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I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.