Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
You Might Also Like
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26