[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?