Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
mumsnet is amazing
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Tony Hawk, age 6
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
#Thanos #MondayMood
Does it…does it take 3 days
Meeeee too!
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know