Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
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first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.