james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
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Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1