A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
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Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*