me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
You Might Also Like
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
he looks great for his age
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.