me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.