All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
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Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.