I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
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Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.