If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.