living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
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Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Knock Knock
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.