If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
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Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Teach your children to beatbox
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat