[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
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be careful
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.